News feed – New Concordia Times

AUNTIE FELONY: MY LANDLORD’S SECURITY GUARD KEEPS ENTERING MY APARTMENT

Dear Auntie Felony, My building security guard has a master key and keeps entering my apartment while I’m away. Management says he may be performing “unscheduled wellness inspections.” Yesterday, I found him eating my leftover wings. What should I do? —Violated on the Fourth Floor Dear Violated, First, count the wings. New Concordia law enforcement may ignore unlawful entry, but theft becomes serious once lemon pepper is involved. Second, change the locks out with something YOU buy. Tell management the old lock experienced an unscheduled wellness failure. Install a door camera, a chain, and one of those alarms that screams

CITY OUTSOURCES SECURITY, CRIMINALS RECEIVE UNIFORMS AND MASTER KEYS

Opinion

New Concordia officials love outsourcing. Outsource parking. Outsource sanitation. Outsource security. Soon, City Hall will outsource breathing and charge residents a convenience fee per lung. Cross Security guards reportedly carried master keys inside a downtown apartment building. One allegedly entered a maintenance worker’s home and searched it on orders connected to a blackmail scheme. The company also supplied a fake fire extinguisher that recorded private meetings. Where were the regulators? Probably studying a color-coded spreadsheet that rated Cross Security “compliant” because somebody submitted the paperwork before lunch. A maintenance worker with an old laptop found the surveillance operation. A resident

INDUSTRIAL DISTRICT WORKSHOP EARNS ONE-STAR REVIEW AFTER SHOOTOUT

Travel

NEW CONCORDIA — A neglected workshop in New Concordia’s industrial district became the final stop in an alleged blackmail operation after a delivery van crashed through a fence and building wall during a deadly confrontation. Police found gunfire damage, ruptured machinery, scattered tools and multiple victims inside the structure. A bank executive was removed on a gurney while cameras documented stains on his trousers that city tourism officials will not feature in future brochures. “I heard the crash, ducked behind my forklift and reconsidered every career decision I ever made,” worker Tomas Bell said from a neighboring property. Investigators believe

SMART FIRE EXTINGUISHER RECORDS EVERYTHING EXCEPT A FIRE

Technology

NEW CONCORDIA — Police are examining a surveillance device disguised as a luxury fire extinguisher after it allegedly recorded months of private conversations inside a downtown apartment. The black metal cylinder bore the resident’s name and a connection to Cross Security, according to investigators. Inside were a microphone, electronic components and removable storage containing dated audio files. “There was no pressure gauge, inspection tag or extinguishing agent,” Deputy Fire Marshal Denise Harper said. “A houseplant would have offered comparable fire protection.” Authorities believe the device targeted clients of an event-planning business that used the apartment for meetings. At least one

DOWNTOWN LUXURY LIVING NOW INCLUDES LEAKS, THIN WALLS AND SECRET MICROPHONES

Lifestyle

NEW CONCORDIA — Residents paying premium rent for historic downtown apartments learned this week that marble floors and renovated kitchens may conceal old plumbing, weak soundproofing and surveillance equipment dressed up as home décor. The concerns surfaced after a maintenance call led to the discovery of a fake fire extinguisher inside a resident’s apartment. The black container carried no inspection tag and contained recording hardware instead of fire suppressant. “I knew the walls were thin because I hear my neighbor sneeze every Tuesday,” tenant Robert Polk said. “I did not realize the building was also taking notes.” Residents have complained

THE QUAIL BAR ADDS ‘NO EXTORTION MEETINGS’ TO HOUSE RULES

Entertainment

NEW CONCORDIA — The Quail bar enjoyed an unexpected surge in visitors after witnesses linked the neighborhood watering hole to two survivors seeking refuge during the Cross Security surveillance scandal. The pair reportedly entered late Friday after discovering that their downtown apartments had been compromised. Staff members said they ordered drinks, kept watch on the windows and left without starting a fight, which management described as an exceptional night by Quail standards. “Usually, the danger comes inside and asks whether somebody has a problem,” bartender Leon Fields said. “These two brought their danger with them, but at least it stayed

LUXURY TENANTS LEARN THEIR MASTER KEYS HAVE MASTERS

Community

NEW CONCORDIA — Residents of a downtown luxury building demanded answers Monday after an armed security guard allegedly used a master key to enter an employee’s apartment and search his belongings. The intrusion came amid an investigation into a recording device hidden inside another apartment. Building records also showed that a fire extinguisher had been signed out under the maintenance worker’s name without his knowledge. “If a man with a uniform can walk into your home and dig through your drawers, the front door has failed to protect you,” resident Elaine Murphy said. Tenants said management sent an email advising

CROSS SECURITY PROMISES PROTECTION, DELIVERS BLACKMAIL PACKAGE

Business

NEW CONCORDIA — Cross Security faces a widening criminal investigation after authorities connected the firm to hidden recording devices, alleged extortion and a deadly confrontation inside an industrial workshop. Investigators say surveillance equipment disguised as a designer fire extinguisher was placed inside the apartment of event planner Simone Cooper. The device reportedly captured private conversations between Cooper and several wealthy clients. “People pay me to plan a beautiful evening,” Cooper said. “Secret audio surveillance was never one of the party favors.” Police recovered recordings and other electronic evidence after gunfire erupted during an alleged blackmail meeting. Multiple people were injured

ASK AUNTIE FELONY: MY MAN KEEPS BORROWING MY CAR FOR “ERRANDS”

Advice

Dear Auntie Felony, My boyfriend keeps borrowing my car late at night for “errands.” He brings it back with the gas tank empty, the seat moved back, and once there was a ski mask under the passenger seat. Should I confront him? — Suspicious in Oak Park Dear Suspicious, Baby, you do not have a boyfriend problem. You have an evidence problem. First thing tomorrow, take your registration, insurance card, emergency cash, and anything else with your government name attached to it out of that automobile. Next, stop asking that man where he is going. You want plausible deniability. If

AVOID THE INDUSTRIAL DISTRICT, UNLESS “BIOHAZARD DETOUR” WAS ON YOUR ITINERARY

Travel

NEW CONCORDIA — Drivers headed through the industrial district should expect closures, checkpoints and the occasional government employee wearing enough protective equipment to survive the moon. Access around the Wren Correctional Research Annex remains restricted while investigators process several floors of the facility. The annex sits behind New Concordia’s industrial complex, where roads designed for warehouses and delivery trucks were already unpleasant before authorities added emergency vehicles, evidence teams and residents trying to photograph the crime scene. “This route was bad when the only danger was getting boxed in by three semis,” said one delivery driver. “Now people are stopping