News feed – New Concordia Times

DEATH COLLARS, SHOCK BATONS AND GLOWING SERUM: CITY LAB HAD EVERY BAD IDEA

NEW CONCORDIA — Investigators examining technology inside the Wren Correctional Research Annex have found enough experimental hardware to make an ordinary unethical laboratory look responsible. Among the devices recovered were electronically controlled prisoner collars, extensive surveillance systems, reinforced automated stairwells, a vehicle-sized elevator, electrified security batons and equipment connected to experimental biological modification. The collars appear particularly troubling. According to records recovered at the annex, one group of executed prisoners could be placed into a catatonic state before being remotely activated and directed toward anyone who was not wearing a collar. In another section, investigators found evidence of an injectable

MONSTER LAB DRAWS GAWKERS; CITY REMINDS RESIDENTS THIS IS NOT A PETTING ZOO

Entertainment

NEW CONCORDIA — The police perimeter outside the Wren Correctional Research Annex has become New Concordia’s hottest unwanted attraction, drawing gawkers hoping to glimpse the facility rumored to contain genetically altered prisoners and experimental animals. Authorities have repeatedly ordered residents away from restricted sections of the industrial district while biological teams inspect the building. That has not stopped spectators. “I heard there was a minotaur,” said one man standing across the street with binoculars. “You tell me there’s a minotaur in my tax bracket and I’m coming to look.” Investigators did find the remains of an enormous horned hybrid inside

DISGRACED GENETICIST’S BIG COMEBACK APPARENTLY INVOLVED ZOMBIES

Education

NEW CONCORDIA — Academic institutions are scrambling to put additional distance between themselves and geneticist Dr. Cyrus Wren after authorities uncovered a research operation involving human experimentation at a corrections-linked annex bearing his name. Wren had previously earned recognition for genetics research before controversy over his methods pushed his work outside mainstream medical institutions. Apparently, he took that criticism constructively and built a seven-floor prison laboratory. Material recovered from the annex points to research involving reanimation, accelerated tissue growth, animal-human hybridization and behavioral control. One ward contained executed prisoners fitted with electronic collars designed to place them in a deathlike

INDUSTRIAL DISTRICT’S MYSTERY BUILDING WAS SOMEHOW WORSE THAN EVERYONE GUESSED

Community

NEW CONCORDIA — Workers near the city’s industrial complex spent years ignoring an unusually secure correctional building because ignoring suspicious buildings is practically part of the commute. That attitude changed after authorities descended on the Wren Correctional Research Annex, a multistory facility tucked behind the industrial zone and equipped with secured vehicle access, reinforced doors and internal observation areas. Workers interviewed nearby described unexplained van traffic and heavy security around the property. “We figured it was prison stuff,” said a forklift operator at a neighboring warehouse. “Nobody asks what ‘prison stuff’ means because you might get an answer.” Investigators reportedly

CITY HALL WOULD LIKE CREDIT FOR DISCOVERING THE SECRET LAB IT FAILED TO NOTICE

Opinion

New Concordia officials are already promising a “full review” of the Wren Correctional Research Annex. Wonderful. Perhaps the review can begin with a map. This was no basement operation involving a chemistry set and one disturbed intern. The place had seven floors, reinforced doors, automated containment systems, a vehicle elevator, surveillance rooms, experimental wards and enough biological horror to make a butcher request a desk job. It operated behind the industrial complex while connected to the correctional system. Now everybody in authority is behaving like a minotaur fell out of the sky Tuesday morning. Who approved the power bill? Who

PRISON FOOD SCANDAL: CORRECTIONS “FARM” WAS GROWING MORE THAN VEGETABLES

Business

NEW CONCORDIA — City inspectors investigating the Wren Correctional Research Annex have discovered what officials delicately described as an “unauthorized biological food-production operation,” because apparently “human-pig nightmare barn” did not survive legal review. The annex, located behind New Concordia’s industrial complex and connected to the city correctional system, contained a darkened agricultural floor with feeding troughs, straw, waste and large genetically altered organisms bearing both human and swine characteristics. Documents recovered inside indicate the animals were being developed for organ cultivation and meat production within the correctional system. “That sentence got worse every word I read,” said one corrections employee

STOP CALLING IT A “HYBRID.” THAT WAS A MINOTAUR.

Opinion

Officials investigating the Wren annex reportedly prefer terms such as “engineered tracking organism” and “human-animal hybrid.” Enough. It had horns. It had hooves. It was enormous. It chased people through a maze. That is a minotaur. New Concordia taxpayers have suffered enough without being gaslit by the Department of Corrections about basic mythology. Government language has always existed to make terrible decisions sound billable. A prison becomes a correctional facility. Human experimentation becomes research. Zombies become reanimated infantry assets. A monster apparently becomes a tracking-response platform. No. The government made a minotaur. Worse, investigators found the creature dead inside a

BUSTED HYDRANT BECOMES OAK PARK’S HOTTEST SUMMER ATTRACTION

Community

NEW CONCORDIA — A broken fire hydrant flooded an Oak Park intersection Thursday and quickly became a neighborhood water park before city crews could ruin everybody’s fun. Children arrived first. Lawn chairs followed. By late afternoon, residents had coolers, portable speakers and a folding table covered with grilled food beside several inches of rushing water. “This is the best thing the city has built over here in years,” resident Clarence Willis said. “That probably explains why they’re coming to shut it down.” Public Works employees eventually closed the hydrant after nearly five hours. A department spokesperson reminded residents that playing

ASK AUNTIE FELONY: MY BOYFRIEND KEEPS A GUN IN THE AIR FRYER

Advice

Dear Auntie Felony, I recently moved in with my boyfriend. Everything was going well until I tried to make chicken wings and found a loaded pistol inside the air fryer. He says he keeps valuables in “places thieves won’t check.” Yesterday I found $3,000 inside the cereal box and somebody else’s license plate underneath our mattress. Should I be worried? — Confused in Oak Park CONFUSED: Baby. Your problem is bigger than kitchen storage. First, remove the gun before making wings. Auntie Felony should not have to explain why 400 degrees, cooking grease, and unsecured ammunition do not belong in

ASK AUNTIE FELONY: HE STOLE MY RENT MONEY FOR A PARLAY

Advice

Dear Auntie Felony, My boyfriend borrowed $900 from our rent money because he had a “guaranteed” sports bet. He lost. Now he wants me to ask my mother for the rent because he says her retirement check comes every month anyway. Should I leave him? — Homeless By Halftime Dear Homeless, Baby, your boyfriend didn’t lose $900. He purchased a $900 educational seminar called Why This Woman Should Never Give Me Access To Money Again. Do not ask your mama for one red cent. She already raised you. Making her finance a grown man’s parlay is elder abuse with extra