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CITY HALL CAN FIND YOUR UNPAID PARKING TICKET BUT MISSED AN ENTIRE GAMBLING EMPIRE

NEW CONCORDIA — I once parked 11 minutes past the meter and received a citation before I reached the corner. Marvelous efficiency. Meanwhile, underground poker games expand, armed crews conduct business at shipping yards, teenagers allegedly hold people at public parks and powerful gambling operators move enough cash around town to make an armored truck jealous. Where is everybody? Rumors surrounding the gambling world have long included influential friends, private security and relationships that ordinary residents will never enjoy. Those claims deserve investigation instead of the traditional New Concordia government response of discovering a committee. We have cameras everywhere. Police

MEN DISCOVER MONEY, IMMEDIATELY STOP LISTENING TO WOMEN

Opinion

NEW CONCORDIA — Somewhere in this city, a woman says, “This seems dangerous,” and a man holding a duffel bag of cash responds, “Hear me out.” Our latest gambling catastrophe followed the formula beautifully. A former casino worker reportedly warned her partners that rapid expansion would attract dangerous attention. It did. She warned that casino money came with strings attached. It did. She warned that spending hours feeding cash into gambling machines was doing bad things to a man’s head. Apparently, the blinking lights won that argument for a while too. Meanwhile, the men bought guns, upgraded wardrobes and repeatedly

RED ROOF MOTEL ADDS “FUGITIVE WITH DUFFEL BAG” TO UNOFFICIAL AMENITIES

Travel

NEW CONCORDIA — Travelers seeking cheap lodging, minimal questions and an olfactory experience unavailable at major hotel chains may already know the Red Roof Motel. Police sources are now interested in the property after a man connected to the city’s gambling violence reportedly arrived on foot carrying a duffel bag and paid cash for a room. A motel worker recalled a guest paying extra to avoid the usual identification and credit-card process. “He had cash,” the worker said. “At this place, cash has excellent credit.” The motel stay followed a deadly confrontation at a shipping-container yard near the port. A

AUNTIE FELONY: MY NEIGHBOR STOLE MY TRASH CAN

Advice

Dear Auntie Felony, My neighbor keeps taking my trash can after collection day. I painted my address on it. He painted over my address. I confronted him, and he said all the cans belong to the city. What should I do? — Canless on Cumberland NEW CONCORDIA — Baby, your mistake was approaching this as a trash-can dispute. This man is testing your borders. Today, your trash can. Tomorrow, your parking space. By Christmas, he’s grilling on your porch wearing your bathrobe. Do not fight him. Auntie Felony has matured. Acquire the ugliest replacement trash can legally available. Make it

YOUR VALET MAY HAVE PARKED YOUR CAR AND YOUR PRIVACY

Technology

NEW CONCORDIA — Investigators examining the city’s gambling underworld are looking into allegations that vehicles connected to casino business were fitted with tracking equipment while owners believed they were simply being parked. People familiar with the operation described small GPS devices capable of following vehicles across New Concordia. At least one target also believed private conversations had been recorded inside a vehicle. The surveillance allegedly allowed powerful gambling interests to track people carrying large sums of cash and determine when those individuals deviated from expected routes. “That’s why I park my own car,” said a downtown bartender. “Also because the

BLACK ROOM OFFERS BOOZE, DANCERS, AND GAMBLING FOR PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH PAYCHECK

Entertainment

NEW CONCORDIA — Patrons looking for an evening combining adult entertainment and casino-style distraction have apparently discovered the Black Room, a nightclub where practically everything is black except the dance poles and the illuminated gambling area. Witnesses describe dancers, table service, loud music and flashing gaming machines under a section marked “Casino.” “It’s efficient,” one patron said. “You can make three terrible financial decisions without changing buildings.” The club surfaced in connection with an investigation into people associated with New Concordia’s underground gambling scene, although authorities have not accused the establishment itself of wrongdoing. One regular said the gaming machines

STREET MBA: HOW A $900 POKER NIGHT BECAME A SIX-FIGURE PROBLEM

Education

NEW CONCORDIA — An underground poker operation that reportedly began with household furniture, playing cards and borrowed liquor offers a useful lesson in the city’s unofficial economy: successful businesses eventually attract competitors. Players said the organizers improved quickly. A former casino dealer ran the table, minimum bets increased as evenings progressed, repeat customers received personalized service, and the house collected a rake from each pot. Within weeks, crowds were reportedly being turned away. Games expanded to Fridays and Saturdays. Organizers even separated rival affiliations onto different nights to keep fights under control. “That’s more conflict management than I got at

OAK PARK PLAYGROUND HOSTS KIDNAPPING; CITY STILL CALLS IT “FAMILY FRIENDLY”

Community

NEW CONCORDIA — Residents near Oak Park are asking for more patrols after a group of young men allegedly detained a neighborhood gambler at a public park while trying to build their reputation as an up-and-coming street crew. The confrontation unfolded near a gazebo and playground, where witnesses reported seeing several young men gathered with an adult who appeared free to leave but apparently chose to stick around and see how the situation developed. Later, two armed men crossed the park during light rain and confronted the group. “I saw grown men walking toward the jungle gym with guns,” one

ASK AUNTIE FELONY: My BOYFRIEND KEEPS A DUFFEL BAG OF CASH UNDER THE BED

Advice

Dear Auntie Felony, My boyfriend is sweet, loyal, and employed in what he calls “logistics.” Last week I found $74,000 in cash under our bed. He says it belongs to his cousin and told me not to worry about it. Should I worry? — CONCERNED IN OAK PARK Dear Concerned, Absolutely not. You should PANIC. Nobody with legitimate logistics money stores $74,000 beneath a mattress unless the logistics involve moving cocaine, catalytic converters or somebody who has stopped breathing. Do not ask where the money came from. That information has never improved anyone’s quality of life. Instead, ask useful questions.

THAT NIGHTCLUB WAS JUST A GAS LEAK, AND I AM THE QUEEN OF FRANCE

Opinion

New Concordia officials would like everyone to calm down. A nightclub exploded. That happens. Gas is tricky. One minute it is heating your stove, the next it has demolished a business surrounded by armed security guards while several frightened women mysteriously turn up at a shelter. Perfectly ordinary Tuesday. We should applaud the speed with which unofficial explanations arrived. “Gas leak” came first. “Insurance scam” followed. By next week somebody at City Hall will blame an improperly stored birthday candle. What I would like is an inspection report. Who inspected the club? When? Were violations reported? Did the gas company