Dear Auntie Felony,

My building security guard has a master key and keeps entering my apartment while I’m away. Management says he may be performing “unscheduled wellness inspections.” Yesterday, I found him eating my leftover wings. What should I do?

—Violated on the Fourth Floor

Dear Violated,

First, count the wings. New Concordia law enforcement may ignore unlawful entry, but theft becomes serious once lemon pepper is involved.

Second, change the locks out with something YOU buy. Tell management the old lock experienced an unscheduled wellness failure. Install a door camera, a chain, and one of those alarms that screams louder than a woman discovering her rent increased because the lobby got a new vase.

Last, leave a decoy takeout box in the refrigerator. Fill it with cauliflower, hot sauce, and a note listing every place his fingerprints appear. If he returns, send the video to his employer, the police, and the New Concordia Times.

Send it to his mother last.

Auntie Felony does not recommend violence.

Usually.