Dear Auntie Felony,

My boyfriend keeps borrowing my car late at night for “errands.” He brings it back with the gas tank empty, the seat moved back, and once there was a ski mask under the passenger seat. Should I confront him?

— Suspicious in Oak Park

Dear Suspicious,

Baby, you do not have a boyfriend problem.

You have an evidence problem.

First thing tomorrow, take your registration, insurance card, emergency cash, and anything else with your government name attached to it out of that automobile.

Next, stop asking that man where he is going.

You want plausible deniability.

If he comes home at 3 a.m. smelling like gasoline and carrying a television that still has a sports bar’s happy-hour specials burned into the screen, go back to sleep.

Also, make him fill the tank.

Crime is not an excuse for poor household budgeting.

Love may be blind, sweetheart.

Your license plate is extremely visible.

— Auntie Felony