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DOWNTOWN NIGHTCLUB BLOWS SKY-HIGH; OWNERS DISCOVER VALUE OF “GAS LEAK” EXPLANATION

NEW CONCORDIA — A downtown nightclub was destroyed by an explosion shortly after closing, sending emergency crews racing into the entertainment district and giving nearby business owners an unexpected morning of broken glass, blocked streets and insurance-related curiosity. Authorities initially described the blast as a possible gas explosion. The explanation quickly spread through the neighborhood, where another theory — an insurance scheme — proved considerably more popular. “I’ve smelled gas before,” said a convenience store employee two doors down. “Usually it doesn’t sound like the building declared war.” The club had attracted a large late-night crowd and employed multiple security

NEW CONCORDIA’S HOTTEST AMENITY IS APPARENTLY “BEING PRESUMED DEAD”

Opinion

Three things are expensive in this city: downtown rent, parking, and having enemies. Everybody else is improvising. We have men being beaten nearly beyond recognition in residential neighborhoods. Gunfire erupting around abandoned industrial buildings. Women arriving at shelters under mysterious circumstances. A downtown club turning itself into airborne masonry. Yet somehow the people responsible for anything are increasingly difficult to locate. Maybe disappearing is simply the smartest financial move left in New Concordia. Think about the savings. No rent. No parking tickets. No jury summons. No awkward conversations with police detectives. Your enemies stop looking for you because everybody says

MYSTERY SUVs DUMP TRAUMATIZED WOMEN AT SHELTER, VANISH BEFORE ANYONE CAN SAY THANKS — OR CALL POLICE

Community

NEW CONCORDIA — A women’s shelter became the center of a mystery after several women arrived following a chaotic overnight rescue that shelter workers say they are still trying to understand. The women were brought to safety around the same period emergency crews were responding to the downtown nightclub explosion. Officials have not publicly connected the two events. “They looked exhausted, scared and ready to be anywhere else,” said a shelter volunteer. “Whoever brought them here didn’t stay around for paperwork.” The women are receiving emergency housing and support. Their identities are being withheld, and shelter officials declined to discuss

TEEN ESCAPES STREET EXPLOITATION, LANDS MARKET JOB; CITY DISCOVERS EMPLOYMENT PROGRAM CALLED “SOMEBODY ACTUALLY HELPED”

Education

NEW CONCORDIA — A teenage runaway who had recently been seen asking strangers for money near a community market has resurfaced in a considerably better position: wearing an apron and working. People familiar with the situation said the girl had been living under the control of an adult man before reaching a women’s shelter. The man was later found badly beaten in a residential neighborhood with severe injuries to both hands and his face. Police have not announced an arrest. “I’m not saying whoever did it was right,” one market vendor said. “I’m saying his hands apparently won’t be doing

NIGHTLIFE DISTRICT PROMISES SAFE WEEKEND AFTER CLUB EXPLOSION, WHICH IS A SENTENCE WE NOW HAVE TO PRINT

Entertainment

NEW CONCORDIA — Downtown nightlife operators are scrambling to reassure customers after an explosion destroyed one club and turned the city’s entertainment district into the kind of destination normally advertised with police tape. Bar managers along the strip say they are reviewing emergency exits, gas systems and security procedures ahead of the weekend. “People keep calling asking whether we’re going to explode,” one manager said. “For the record, exploding is not part of our entertainment package.” The destroyed club had a reputation for heavy security, including guards controlling access to private upstairs areas. Witnesses also recalled seeing police officers speaking

MAN FOUND WITH BOTH HANDS CRUSHED; NEIGHBORS REPORT SUDDEN DROP IN HIS POPULARITY

Lifestyle

NEW CONCORDIA — A man accused by neighborhood residents of exploiting a teenage girl was found severely beaten beside his vehicle after a late-night confrontation that left his nose broken and both hands badly mangled. No arrest has been announced. Residents reported hearing yelling before seeing the injured man inside or near his battered Buick. A teenager previously associated with him disappeared from the neighborhood that same night and later reached a women’s shelter. “I heard him screaming,” said one resident who declined to give her name. “I looked outside, saw what was happening and decided I had suddenly become

MEN OF NEW CONCORDIA, PLEASE STOP BACKING INTO EVERY PARKING SPACE

Opinion

There is a man outside a pharmacy right now performing a seven-point maneuver so he can reverse his lifted pickup truck into a space large enough for an ambulance. Why? New Concordia men have apparently decided parking nose-first demonstrates weakness. I have watched traffic stop at grocery stores, gyms and gas stations while some gentleman adjusts his mirrors, lowers the radio and attempts to dock his Silverado with the concentration of a NASA engineer. Sir, you are buying protein powder. I understand backing in can make leaving easier. This argument loses credibility when entering the space requires 4 minutes, two

DELIVERY DRONE DROPS SOMEBODY’S DINNER THROUGH WINDSHIELD

Technology

NEW CONCORDIA — A food delivery drone malfunctioned Friday evening and dropped a bag containing two burritos, chips and bottled soda onto a moving vehicle near West Market Street, police said. The food smashed through the windshield but caused no serious injuries. The driver managed to pull over. “I heard a bang, and suddenly there was guacamole on my dashboard,” motorist Nathan Cole said. The drone operator said the aircraft experienced a navigation failure and automatically released its cargo during an emergency landing sequence. Company representatives offered the driver a refund despite the fact that he had not ordered the

NEW MICRO-APARTMENTS OFFER 280 SQUARE FEET OF PURE FINANCIAL PANIC

Lifestyle

NEW CONCORDIA — A luxury apartment development downtown is advertising studios smaller than many suburban garages for rents starting at $1,695 per month. The Nest, a newly renovated 14-story building, calls its 280-square-foot units “efficient urban residences.” Each includes a kitchenette, bathroom, fold-down table and enough remaining floor space to develop a close personal relationship with the refrigerator. “You can cook dinner from bed,” prospective renter Kyle Watson said after touring a unit. “Depending on your standards, that’s either convenient or devastating.” Developer UrbanCore Properties says rents reflect the building’s downtown location, rooftop terrace, fitness center and shared workspaces. Housing

NEW CONCORDIA DOES NOT NEED A RAT CZAR

Opinion

City officials are considering creating a full-time “urban rodent mitigation coordinator.” The Times has reviewed this proposal carefully and reached a conclusion: That is a rat czar. Salary: up to $118,000. For $118,000, this person had better personally fight the rats. We expect boots. Flashlight. Protective gloves. Possibly a small shield. Instead, the job description emphasizes interdepartmental coordination, data collection and community engagement. The rats are eating tremendously well while we organize committees against them. New Concordia already employs sanitation workers, health inspectors, code enforcement officers and enough administrators to populate a respectable midsized suburb. Give somebody currently on payroll