Dear Auntie Felony,

My boyfriend is sweet, loyal, and employed in what he calls “logistics.” Last week I found $74,000 in cash under our bed. He says it belongs to his cousin and told me not to worry about it. Should I worry?

— CONCERNED IN OAK PARK

Dear Concerned,

Absolutely not.

You should PANIC.

Nobody with legitimate logistics money stores $74,000 beneath a mattress unless the logistics involve moving cocaine, catalytic converters or somebody who has stopped breathing.

Do not ask where the money came from.

That information has never improved anyone’s quality of life.

Instead, ask useful questions.

Is your name on the lease?

Is there anything illegal in your car?

Do you know where your birth certificate is?

How quickly can you pack?

Most importantly, does this man own a shovel despite having no garden?

Love is about trust. Relationships require communication.

Survival requires knowing when your boyfriend’s “cousin” is actually three armed men outside in a Chrysler 300.

Pack light.

— AUNTIE FELONY