Dear Auntie Felony,
My neighbor keeps taking my trash can after collection day. I painted my address on it. He painted over my address. I confronted him, and he said all the cans belong to the city. What should I do?
— Canless on Cumberland
NEW CONCORDIA — Baby, your mistake was approaching this as a trash-can dispute.
This man is testing your borders.
Today, your trash can. Tomorrow, your parking space. By Christmas, he’s grilling on your porch wearing your bathrobe.
Do not fight him. Auntie Felony has matured.
Acquire the ugliest replacement trash can legally available. Make it unforgettable. Reflective tape. Plastic flowers. One enormous googly eye. Write a name on the side.
I recommend Reginald.
Love Reginald. Care for Reginald. Wave to Reginald when you leave for work.
Soon your neighbor will become uncomfortable stealing Reginald because stealing property is easy. Kidnapping a beloved member of the household feels different.
Should Reginald disappear, call sanitation and request another can.
Auntie Felony believes in peace.
She also believes in making people wonder whether you are stable enough to bother.