Dear Auntie Felony,

I recently moved in with my boyfriend. Everything was going well until I tried to make chicken wings and found a loaded pistol inside the air fryer.

He says he keeps valuables in “places thieves won’t check.”

Yesterday I found $3,000 inside the cereal box and somebody else’s license plate underneath our mattress.

Should I be worried?

— Confused in Oak Park

CONFUSED:

Baby.

Your problem is bigger than kitchen storage.

First, remove the gun before making wings. Auntie Felony should not have to explain why 400 degrees, cooking grease, and unsecured ammunition do not belong in the same recipe.

Second, anybody hiding $3,000 in Cinnamon Toast Crunch has either developed an innovative savings system or has enemies.

Neither situation benefits you.

As for the license plate, put it right back where you found it. You have already learned too much.

Start keeping an emergency bag packed. Clothes, charger, toothbrush, comfortable shoes and enough cash for a motel that does not advertise hourly rates.

You do not need to know what your boyfriend does.

You need to know how quickly you can leave when somebody knocks and he turns the television off.

Auntie loves romance.

Auntie loves loyalty.

Auntie also loves knowing where the exits are.